


Amet'visto

by Chantelle



Series: After Life [2]
Category: Code Geass
Genre: Gen, M/M, Reincarnation AU, it's actually more gen than anything else gomen, suzalulu if you're willing to see it that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-29 07:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1002482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chantelle/pseuds/Chantelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After living for so long, it became hard to tell reality and fantasy apart. He didn’t know whether what he saw (heard, felt) were real, or if they were just figments of his imagination. Was he dreaming, or was he actually awake? It seemed that, even in death, Lelouch still held some sort of control over him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Amet'visto

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Code Geass and its characters do not belong to me. This piece does, however. The same work, along with its prequel, can be found on my FFN and Tumblr accounts as well. There have been slight changes, though, since I re-typed this (copy-pasting is a bitch sometimes) and edited along the way. If you find any errors, please inform me. Thanks!

Sometimes, he felt like he was going crazy. After living for so long, it became hard to tell reality and fantasy apart. He didn't know whether what he saw ( _heard, felt_ ) were real, or f htey were just figments of his imagination. Was he dreaming, or was he actually awake.

Walking along the streets of Tokyo, he would see a tall, slim youth with straight black hair, and he would pause. His heart would ache, and he'd look back. But he'd see that it was not the same person: the man was too short, the hair a little too long, the voice much too high. More than that, though, was one glaringly obvious difference - the unknown man's eyes would be blue, or green, or gray, but never the exact shade of amethyst that he could remember with ( _not so_ ) surprising clarity.

He could still visualize the various emotions that those eyes showed him, the various faces their owner would make. He would see the amethyst eyes light up with joy, darken with sorrow, and quaver with fear. He would see that face, the beautiful pale face, always masked with indifference - but the man never could hide completely from Suzaku. He could remember, though, three particular times wherein the face the man showed him burned itself in his mind, like a brand in his soul.

The first time was when they were still boys, the point in which their lives did a complete one-eighty. It was when Britannia had completely taken over Japan back in the year 2010. He could still see the burnt buildings, could still smell the ashes that floated around. Most of all, he could still hear the young boy's promis, see the determination burning in his eyes ( _Suzaku, I'm going to destroy Britannia!_ , he says). It had filled his heart with warmth and gratitude, but at the same time alarm and concern as well. He could  _not_ let the other dirty his hands with war and death. He would take on that responsibility, and he would strive to make the world a better place for them to live in.

The second time, they were much older, but not much wiser. They were still young, really, but already they were both trying to act as if they could shoulder the weight of the world ( _I'll rule the world!_ , one says, while the other does,  _Things from now on have nothing to do with you!_ I _will save Nunally!_ ). And he spoke words he would never mean ( _Your existence was a mistake!_ ), words he should never have said. He could never take them back, just as much as he would always remember the ( _miserable, hurt, utterly devastated_ ) face shown to him then, a face the other man had never shown to anyone before. He would remember the rush of elation he felt then at the thought that he had that much control over the other. And so he continued speaking, continued down the destructive path he was taking. It was only later that he would realize that the feeling back then was an empty one, that his heart would clench in pain and regret as he would remember that broken expression the other had shown. But by then, he had no other choice - he was too far down the path he had chosen to take, and he couldn't turn back. He could only walk forward, and walk on he did.

The third time... Remembering the third time  _hurt_ , almost physically. The expectant smile, the relaxed pose - they had both known what would happen then, but only one of them had truly accepted it. Suzaku could still feel the other's body pressed against his as the rest of his life ( _and warmth_ ) faded away. He would see the hand caressing the black and blue mask, and he would wish that the piece of plastic were out of the way, that he could really feel that bloodied hand pressed against his cheek. He would think that if they had done things differently, if they had  _both_ done things differently, things would never have become the way they were. They could have prevented themselves from hurting each other so deeply, creating wounds that would never completely heal. He kept that memory close to his heart, the memory of Zero's sword plunging through the other man's body, if only as a form of self-punishment. That sad, expectant face would haunt his dreams from that time on.

He would sometimes ( _always_ ) wish that he would just  _die_ , that he would finally get the eternal sleep he had always wanted. He had never feared death, not when it came to himself. He had never been scared that he might actually be defeated in his next battle. He had never been scared that he would be the next to die. In fact, he had looked forward to it, had welcomed the possibility that each battle could be his last. And yet, no matter how hard he tried, he could not die. He  _had_ tried, over and over again, but nothing would work.

It seemed that, even in death, Lelouch had some sort of control over him.

Looking back, it all became clear to Suzaku: ever since Lelouch had come into his life, it had always been about him. About getting his forgiveness, about becoming his friend, about keeping him happy, about making the world a better place for him and Nunally - and then it became all about killing him.

That was the one choice Suzaku would regret the most. The moment he made the decision, somehow he just  _knew_ it had been the wrong one. It wasn't just because Lelouch was supposed to be his friend - no, his  _best_ friend. Something just told him that the action he had decided upon would change things not for the better, as he tought it would, but for the worse.

The thing is, though, it had never been about Euphy; it had never really been about avenging her death. It made him feel terrible, but her death had really just been the excuse needed to strengthen his resolve and finally go after Zero with his all. If he had known beforehand that Lelouch was Zero, would he have still sought revenge? As it was, part of the reason why he shose to kill Zero ( _Lelouch_ ) was because of the feeling of betrayal that that had coursed through him when VV had told him the truth. Why hadn't Lelouch told him? Were they not best friends? Were they not supposed to trust each other with everything? So why? Why hadn't he thought to trust Suzaku with such a secret? ( _He, of course, conveniently forgot that Zero had tried to 'recruit' him before, but he had refused._ )

Sometimes, he would just lie on his bed and think. He hated sleeping, hated the shade of purple that would always haunt his dreams, so instead he would lay on his bed and think over things, other things, things that weren't amethyst. More often than not, though, he would fail, and he would see them anyway, those eyes that haunted him every moment of his life, whether he was awake or unconscious. It made him sick, sick to his stomach, sick to his very core. He just wanted to forget, wanted so much to just let the memories blow away with the wind. His memories were unneeded, unwanted, and he wanteed nothing else but for them to disappear, lest he finally completely lose his mind.

Then again, he supposed, he would not be able to survive without his memories either. As much as it haunted him, it was the thought of amethyst eyes that kept him going. It was the memories of black-haired elegance that kept him sane. It was the thought that he'd somehow see all that again which kept him actually  _alive_ instead of just surviving. Without those memories, he would lose himself, and he couldn't afford that on top of everything else he'd lost.

That one day when everything changed was nothing short of miraculous, in his eyes. It was one of those days, those days when he would just walk around Tokyo and hope for a glimpse of amethyst, a flash of black. He would just walk around aimlessly, passing by places he could remember going to before. Some of them were exactly as they had been, so many years ago. Others were gone, replaced by new places. He could do nothing else but remember, and hope.

And then, from the corner of his eyes, a flash of bright green. And although it wasn't what he was looking for, it still sent his heart racing. Only once in his life had he ever seen hair of that particular shade. And he had not seen it in a long time, not since... Not since  _that day_ , way back then. And he knew, somehow - he just knew that this woman, this woman who had lived far longer than he had, was leading him. Being the kind of woman she was, it was quite impossible for her not to know he was there. It was not a conincidence that he spotted her on that day, of all days ( _surely, it wasn't, considering what day it was exactly_ ).

And so he ran after her, ran as if his life depended on it ( _and to him, it did - he needed to run after her, needed it like fish need water, like humans need air-_ ) And he felt like he couldn't breathe, like the air was being sucked out of his lungs. His heart beat faster in his chest, fast and hard and  _thumpthumpthumpthumpthump_. He saw her head tilt a little, just enough for him to see part of her face - and he knew that was a smirk, that little minx.

He couldn't help the grin that pulled at his lips. There was only on possible reason he could think of as to why she would actually show herself to him after all this time. Finally, after all those years of waiting and hoping, finally,  _finally-_

In the distance, he spotted familiar dark hair, a young man with his back turned. He stood alone on the sidewalk, looking as if he were waiting for someone. Suzaku had to swallow the lump in his throat at the sight. Finally, finally-

He did not even notice as the woman, the woman who had led him, her green hair swishing behind her, vanished into the crowd, a satisfied smile on her face. He did not notice the flash of pink to his far left, a woman with light blue eyes silently cheering him on. Instead, all his focus was centered on the aman standing on the sidewalk, waiting, waiting-

He had stopped running by then, instead walking purposefully, his strides long and sure. His heart had calmed down, beating slowly and evenly. There was only one more thing to know, just one more thing before he was sure. He stopped behind the dark-haired man, he in turn tensed as if sensing the other man's presence. A hand reached out to a shoulder, and his head turned, hoping, hoping-

And finally,  _finally_ , a flash of amethyst-

_End?_

**Author's Note:**

> It was only after I first finished writing this that I realized it would make more sense to have Lelouch live and Suzaku be reborn. @u@


End file.
